Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It'll be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")

Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Of course, positive, let us have A different position the place American Adult males can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he ought to cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested regarding the job, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, categorised.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected so much daylight Trump Tower Damascus it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Baffling Characteristics

Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Manage set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it might stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is now attracting awareness from Global buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely consist of:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a resort where by my PTSD might have turn-down services."

One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Last Feelings through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."